Keeper
by the 85th writer
Summary: The only important thing was that the biggest idiot in LA had managed to lose himself. That's right. Harry Lockhart had LOST himself. A Kiss Kiss Bang Bang fic.


**A/N: **Missing scene from Kiss Kiss Bang Bang; between Harry shooting Mr. Fire and Perry telling Harmony to back off before she got both Harry & Perry killed. If you don't get what I'm talking about, you need to see the movie again. But read the fic before you do. And after of course.

**_  
Keeper_**

* * *

In all fairness, it wasn't his fault.  
It had been cold, he'd been understandably confused and he'd had a girl dressed like a fucking christmas bunny attached to him. There's only so much a guy can _process_ with that much baggage_. _But fuck that. That wasn't important right now. It wasn't even important that some fucking sonofabitch had _shot_ at him. It wasn't even important that he had to handle a shivering, whimpering mess of woman when his own brain couldn't process beyond the words _oh fuck._ All that was irrelevant. What was important was that the biggest fucking idiot in LA had managed to lose himself.

That's right. Harry-fucking-Lockhart had _lost_ himself.

_Jesus_ he was running around with a pair of fucking idiots. Who in fuck's holiness leaves their fucking keys in their fucking car? And he doesn't know whether to _thank_ Harmony for saving him or _leaving_ Harry (Harry of the streetsmart of a fucking _eight_ year old) behind in the process_._ (Was that even correct? Pluperfect tense can be such a bitch sometimes.)

Then he thinks that this is all unecessarily complicated. Fuck it. Call him. What's the worst that could happen?  
(Could I be _saying_ fuck more? Bothers you? Blow me.)

He looks at Harmony and all he can make out is legs,runny makeup and a snotty nose.  
And of course the icing on the _cake_, the fucking christmas bunny outfit. He just sighs and dials.  
The phone rings and when Harry actually answers Perry doesn't know whether to hug him or kick the shit out of him.

"Where the _hell_ are you?"

Of course as Harry continues talking, the urge to kick the shit out of him begins to take preference. (I mean, for fuck's sake.)  
"Get the finger. Kill the dog. Get out of there."  
His temper just keeps skyrocketing as Harry keeps babbling. (It's like the fuckhead has no survival instincts at _all_.)_  
_And that's when the bomb drops.

"Hey Perry? I... I shot a guy. I never done that before..."  
And even as Perry's mentally correcting that sentence the phone dies on him.

_Fuck._

Perry's hands automatically begin redialling the number; his eyes straying towards Harmony.  
She's out cold on the sofa, all cried out for Harry apparently.  
And when the ringing stops, all he hears is incoherent words and hiccups.  
Perry swears again. (It's almost like the fucking moron needs a _keeper.)_

"Just stay there, chief. I'm coming to get you."

And after driving around what seems like a fucking maze; he reaches the place Harry told him about. (Kid's got no fucking sense of direction. No fucking sense at _all_ actually.) Even as he walks up the driveway he's working in his head. (Get Harry out, clean the place, get his fucking hand fixed, get rid of Harmony's fucking _car)  
_And that's when he sees Harry. Harry, who's bawling like a fucking baby into the damned dog. And looking like so fucking pathetic it almost breaks his heart. For a beat Perry doesn't know what to do. It's been a long time since that's happened.

The thing is, he _gets_ Harmony. Harmony's like him. She's normal, she gets that the world isn't a happy, sunshiny place where the icecream truck comes around and the nice man buys you an orange popsicle. This is LA. Here the icecream truck is a seedy car and the nice man is probably going to whack you over the head before fucking you over in some dark alley. That was how it _worked_. That was how it has always worked. It's been like that in LA. It's been like that in New York.

And that's why he doesn't get Harry. Perry's no fool, he's seen the world. He's seen people fuck over their kids, kids fuck over their parents. Hell he's even seen this old lady come to the park to shoot down pigeons. (But who's he to judge? Pigeons are annoying little fuckheads anyway.)

But Harry.. Harry's like this wide eyed little kid who looks like he's straight out of fucking sunday school. He reminds Perry of the times when the most important things in your life were recess at school and saturday morning cartoons. Here the icecream truck _is_ an icecream truck, and Harry's the kid that's taking the popsicle (that's really _just_ a popsicle) from the nice man.

But see the point is, Perry's _not_ a nice man. Hell, he's even told Harry so. So he doesn't get why he's here in the first place. Doesn't get why ten minutes later, he's half carrying, half helping Harry out towards his car. It feels weird being the nice man. (Though it isn't so great having _snot_ all over his fucking clothes. That and miraculously managing to get rid of Harmony's fucking _car. _Fucking idiots.) Maybe it was because his own dad was a fucking asshole. Maybe it was because Harry looked like that kid who's just been told there was no Santa Claus. Who the hell cares?

He knows it's not his fault. He wasn't kidding, he's normally not a nice man. He's cold, he's ruthless, he loves his job and he's good at it.  
He knows that even though there's really no _need _to be Harry-fucking-Lockhart's fucking keeper, he still does it. He just doesn't know _why_ he does it.

But all that's not important now. What's important is that Harry-fucking-Lockhart; the biggest _idiot_ in the free world has been found. What's important is that there's a lot of work to be done and Perry has a lot of loose ends to tie up. The whys and hows of the matter can be explored another day.

-_fin-_


End file.
